by: Herndon L. Davis

A few nights ago I had a roundtable discussion with a group of friends about same-gender-loving romantic relationships. The topic dealt with why there are seemingly so many “great catches” who are still single although they say they’re actively looking.

So the burning question of the night was “why is it that so many quality people can never seem to find each other?”

After several minutes of going back and forth on the topic, I finally interjected my thoughts. I said that I thought the reason is because too many people are trying to love physically and sexually but not enough are seeking to love emotionally.

I added that because people have such descriptive images of their ideal romantic partner or because so many are so concerned about being sexually compatible in bed, that the focus of their search remains in those two areas. 

Sadly, their romantic search seems to never rise to the heart or to the brain in order to have an emotional, mental, intellectual, and spiritual connection and relationship with the person they’re seeking.

My thoughts were immediately attacked with comments such as “you gotta be attracted to the one you in love with” or “the two of you can’t both want the same thing in bed; it won’t work, he’ll go looking elsewhere for the d*** or a**.”

At that those statements, I immediately told them my point was just proven. I said that some of the reasons you’re still single is because you’re still looking at the exterior and what your body parts can do together in bed more so than what your two hearts and minds can create together.

There was pushback for several more minutes in both directions and from others who had joined into the heated discussion. Finally, I resurfaced back into the conversation with a musical analogy.  I mentioned the old Vanessa Williams love song, “Saving The Best For Last.”

In the song there’s a verse that says “how could you give your love to someone else but share your dreams with me.” I added that what if you spent all of your time and gave away all of your love to Mister Muscular or Miss Phyne only to realize that you can’t even share your dreams, hopes, or secrets with that person?

What if you suddenly realized that he/she does not or cannot emotionally support you when you need it the most; when you’re having trouble on the job, in your family, in your finances, or in your health?

What if you suddenly realized that although the sex is fantastic and there’s never an issue of incompatibility or attractive looks, that this person you’re so in love with cannot comprehend who you really are or what you’re seeking to become. 

What if the person that you’re loving doesn’t really care much about you, but damn the sex sho is good. What if that person has no sense of responsibility about themselves but damn he/she sure looks like a runway model.

What if you realized that when you do share your dreams, hopes, and secrets, it’s with someone else; someone you don’t share your bodily fluids or orgasms with.  So what does that really say about your relationship? 

Do you really love them emotionally or just physically/sexually?  Are you in love with them or in lust with them? Do you love them or are you attached to them because they stimulate your visual and sexual senses?

The lively debate went well into the morning and I’m not sure if either side was moved beyond their initial stances, but I do believe the idea of emotional versus physical/sexual love is worth considering and reconsidering again even if you’re currently in a relationship.

We must begin to embrace and truly believe that if we seek an emotional, mental, intellectual, and spiritual connection first, then everything else will follow. When this happens, then there will be no sexual incompatibility nor will physical looks stand in the way either because with an emotional loving relationship comes the beauty of communication and trust.

When both sides can honestly communicate and trust that neither will be attacked or judged for their comments, and when both sides are willing to be flexible, then watch out!!  Your emotional love with far surpass and exceed any type of physical/sexual love with another person

But when in doubt, just remember the song lyric, “how could you give your love to someone else but share your dreams with me.” 

Herndon L. Davis is an author, lecturer, and TV Host.  He can be reached directly at http://herndondavis.com