Traditionally a time of chocolate or flower giving, Mother’s Day is set aside as an opportunity to show your mother how much she means to you. But if you’re keeping a personal secret – something about you that is as much a part of who you are as the colour of your eyes, then this celebration of the ultimate family bond can have an edge of sadness, even sharper than it is during the rest of the year.

Coming out as gay or bisexual may not be seen as the best gift to give this Mother’s Day, but it can and more often than not does bring about a new closeness between mothers and sons.  And as recent surveys of Black gay and bisexual men suggest, mothers in Black communities have become a lot more accepting of their son’s sexuality than many people, including their own flesh and blood would have previously believed.

Historically there has been a belief that it is much harder to come out as gay or bisexual if you are Black and that rejection from family members will almost certainly follow but, in the UK at least, Big Up, the Black gay men’s group at GMFA, have found to their delight this is more a perceived problem than a fact.

Studies in the past have shown that Black gay men in the UK experience more homophobia from their family, friends and workmates than other gay men.  In 2002, the annual survey of gay men by Sigma Research revealed that while 35.5% of the White men indicated they were out to all or almost all of their family, friends and workmates and only 11.2% indicated that they were out to none or few of these three groups, only 19.7% of Black gay men were out to all or almost all of their family, friends and workmates and 15.3% were out to none or few of them.  The survey also revealed that 11.3% of Black gay men had experienced discrimination from their family, compared with 7.3% of Asian gay men and 7.1% of White gay men.

Almost three years on, with Mother’s Day 2006 in mind, volunteers at Big Up set about seeing if the situation had improved.   In a survey launched in February and promoted through the Black gay website UKBlackOut, Big Up have been asking Black gay and bisexual men if their mothers know about their sexuality, and if so do their mothers give them all the support that they need?

Happily, the majority of Black men who have completed the Big Up survey so far have  said that their mother knows they are gay or bisexual, and the majority of these men have also said that, when she was told, she reacted “ok” or “very well”.

By “ok” or even “very well” they didn’t usually mean the news was exactly welcome – there were often tears followed by an affirmation of love and concern, but for one mother whose son came out to her in a letter, the tears were not about her son’s sexuality, they were about the fact that he didn’t feel able to speak to her about it personally.

It is also encouraging that the majority of men in our survey who said they are out to their mother, whatever her initial reaction, said that since she was told she has given them all the support they wanted.

Unfortunately it can still be very difficult for some gay sons when they come out to their mothers.   A quarter of men in the Big Up survey who said they are out to their mother said she reacted “badly” when she was told and a small number said she reacted “very badly”.   For the mothers of most of these men their reactions seem to be a natural expression of conflicting feelings, like their reservations about homosexuality and their love for their son.  This is how one man described his mother’s reaction:

‘Tears, quoting the Bible, worrying about the extended family's attitude, fears about not having more grandchildren etc. Once she had got it all off her chest and calmed down she was actually quite accepting and reminded me that she loved me - though she would rather I wasn't gay or told anybody about it.”   

Another, deeply religious mother, despite concerns around the church and community reaction said, as he moved into his first home as an out gay Black man,

“God, you know his lifestyle.  I do not understand but I am pleased that you have provided him with a home where I can come and go, let his home be a place of peace and comfort.”  

Thankfully, stories of mothers who have great difficulty accepting their gay sons appear to be much less common than stories of mothers telling their gay sons they love them no matter what, but there are still enough sad stories around to make some Black gay and bisexual men, whose mothers don’t know about their sexuality, too scared to tell them.   As one man taking the survey put it,

“I don’t [wish she knew] because it may destroy our family.”

Despite this, almost half the Black gay and bisexual men completing the Big Up survey, who said they weren’t out to their mother, also said that they wished they were.  When these men were asked why, there was a common theme, summed up by this man’s response,

“Because I love her, I want her to know me for who I am, she made me.”

For GMFA, the gay men’s health charity, the reason for supporting this piece of work by the Big Up project group can be found in a report produced by The World Health Organisation in 2003 called ‘The Social Determinants of Health – The Solid Facts,’  which explains that,

“Social and psychological circumstances can cause long-term stress. Continuing anxiety, insecurity, low self-esteem, social isolation and lack of control over work and home life, have powerful effects on health.”

This is why for GMFA, and indeed for all mothers who want their sons to be happy and healthy, it is so important that they continue to give their acceptance, their love and their support.

Overall GMFA is heartened by the results of its survey so far, and their poignant and soul-searching case studies do bear out that the perception that Black gay men will experience wholesale rejection from the Black community upon coming out, is just that – a perception.  It also proves that there is nothing that needs to stand in the way of a Mother’s love.  Celebrate that this Mother’s Day.