The room is too silent. I can just barely hear her breathing above the sound of my own heart beating. I haven't begun to cry yet. I'm still numb with the shock of reality.

She's dying. The machines can't do anything else for her. The medicines have no effect. Daisy is dying and there's nothing I can do.

I replay those thoughts over and over, a loop of anguish that has yet to mix and settle into the chaotic symphony playing in my head. I think these thoughts and watch her as she sleeps.

She fell asleep about an hour ago. We talked briefly, discussing what the doctors have told us. She is resigned now, having made her peace with the world at the beginning stages of her illness. She smiled at me when I spoke the word "death". She said she thinks of it as another trip to be taken. This time, though, her Gemini heart is only leading her away, not in return. I find myself trying to see it the same way but with no luck. All I see are fading tail lights and no headlights on the horizon. I keep trying to believe that this is all a game that Daisy, in her maniacal love of pranks, is playing on me. When her time comes she'll pretend- she'll hold her breath and go still, careful not to move her eyes or blink, ignoring itches and the urge to twitch- and when I find my tears, she'll jump up out of her bed and scream

"SURPRISE!"

I close my eyes for a moment, feeling drawn into a tunnel of memories I'd rather not be drawn into. It's been a long road for us- nearly twenty years of smooth highway and rocky terrain, new jobs, lost jobs, children (three) grown from adolescents to adulthood. The list could go on and on. It's been twenty years of love, both good and bad, and I'm not ready to reminisce just yet. I'm not as ready as Daisy to meet the end.

"Sammi…" Her scarlet drawl is softened out of sleepiness. I open my eyes to her voice. Her blue eyes are open, focusing on me as I sit in the armchair next to the bed we once shared. It's now hers. I've been afraid to sleep next to her- to wake up to find her gone, an empty shell in my arms. I either sleep here in this chair or, when Daisy's sister comes to help, on the living room sofa.

I sit up, reach out and take her hand. Her skin is cool but not cold. She still retains a small smoldering ember of life. I silently will this ember to become a flame, a bonfire as I rub her hand with my fingers.

"I'm here honey. Nice nap?"

She nods weakly, blond hair framing her pale face not in its usual golden halo, but in a softer, wheat colored wash. "I was dreaming," She smiles, fingers curling loosely around mine. I hold her hand.

"A good one?"

She nods again, licking her lips with a dry tongue, swallowing with obvious effort. I lean forward, take the glass of water from the bureau, and help her sip some.

"Thanks," she whispers, and tells me about her dream. "I was in a field of roses that went as far as I could see. I was just standing there smiling, smelling the air and then I was in the shop, arranging a bouquet. My mother was handing me the blossoms and telling me what the After-Life is like." She laughs almost inaudibly. I smile, squeezing her hand. "It was like it wasn't even odd for us to be there together, let alone be talking about dying. Then she asked me about you and how you're doing, and she told me not to let Joshua marry Bianca. 'That girl is trouble in skirts' she said and we just laughed and laughed and laughed. Then…you and I were walking on the beach and it was our wedding night, but at the same time it wasn't."

She looks at me, hoping I understand. I nod. "You kissed me and as the waves came in over our ankles, you said goodbye. You were crying and clinging to me but I walked away, into the ocean." She sighs tiredly. Her fingers twitc in my hand and her grip loosens.

"You should call the kids in about an hour love."

My throat tightens and my eyes begin to burn with unshed tears. It's breaking in- the pain of reality. My wife is dying. Daisy is dying. Every heart beat hurts but I cannot cry. My chest aches, full of sorrow. I take a deep breath, asking a stupid question.

"Why?" I don't want to hear her answer. I already know it. She knows I know but tells me anyway. Her eyes glimmer, full of tears. They aren't sad tears- no, she's happy. She's going on the ultimate trip and she's been packed and ready to go for months.

"It's almost time, Sammi. I can feel it. I know that's cliched but its true. I feel like there's a door opening inside me and the breeze from the other side is pulling at me."

She smiles, tears slipping down her cheeks. I catch my breath, holding back a sob. "Call Shelly too?"

"Of course honey." The tears are there, behind my eyes. I hold them back. I don't want her to see me cry. I don't want to have to cry. Why does she have to die?

Why Daisy, why now, why ever? We still have so much time together! Her eyes leave mine to take another look at our bedroom- at the paintings we bought on our honeymoon, our shared dressers, her writing desk, the picture window that over looks the front yard where the kids played so many years ago. Her eyes stay there for a long moment and I wonder if she wants to sit in the window seat. I ask her and without looking at me, she nods.

I can't breathe- not out of strain, Daisy weighs next to nothing- but out of terror- She could go any minute and I may not get to say good bye- as I pick her up. I cradle her slight body against me. She is so weak her head lolls to my shoulder and the smell of her shampooed hair washes over me. I almost begin to cry then but hold the tears.

I step around my chair and walk to the window seat. I sit with her nestled in my lap and hold her as she looks out the window.

"Thank you Sammi," she says, head still on my shoulder. I turn my face from the window and kiss her forehead. Her skin is cooler that before. She's going."For what?" I will talk to her and make her talk to me. Maybe if she talks it will keep her here with me. I hope silently, willing it to be so.

"For everything. For loving me, for our children, for this home." She takes a breath and lets it out slowly. Her already limp body seems to grow even more limp. I hug her closer, fighting my tears. "Thank you for staying with me when I got sick. Thank you for now, for your embrace." Her fingers brush the bare skin of my arm.

Her touch still brings a chill to me and I swallow against the knot in my throat.

"Don't leave me Daisy. I don't want to know how to be without you." I breathe into her hair, eyes growing wet. She takes a breath and exhales haltingly.

"You will learn, Sammi. You've got Joshua, Joseph, and Shelby. Shelly will be there…" Her voice drifts out. I squeeze my eyes shut.

"But they aren't you baby." Hot tears escape to roll down my cheeks. "No, no, no," I scream without sound. "Don't go my love, I can't be alone!" and hold mybreath against a sob. Her voice finds strength again.

"I can't stay, love. I have other places to go beyond this… and you will always have your love for me…." Her head falls further down to rest on my chest but I hear her breathing- raspy now. If I don't say it now, I know, it will be too late. "I love you Daisy. Goodbye my love."

My tears are a torrent. I cannot hold them back any longer and as her last breath comes and goes I lose myself in grief.


The End

Trinity Quinn
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