06 Jul 05
Myth: Domestic violence is about couples getting into a brawl on Saturday night, beating each other up and disrupting the neighbourhood.

Fact: In domestic assaults one partner is beating, intimidating and terrorizing the other. It is one person dominating and controlling the other.

MYTH: Abusers are always coarse, nasty, violent men and easily identified

FACT: Abusers are often apparently charming, generous and well-presented people who can hold positions of social standing. Abuse is kept for those nearest to him or her, to the privacy of their own homes. This Jekyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser can further confuse and frighten the person being abused, as the person in private is so very different to the person everyone else sees. It can also mean that when the person being abused finally does try to tell his/her friends, family or acquaintances of the abuse, he or she is not believed, because the person they are describing simply doesn’t fit the image portrayed in public.

Myth: Domestic violence is usually a one-time event, an isolated incident.

Fact: Abuse against a partner is an ongoing pattern of behaviour. It may get worse and more frequent over a period of time. There may also be a 'honeymoon phase' or a time of remorse, before the tension builds again and another crisis points is reached.

Myth: When there is violence in the family, all members are participating in the dynamic and, therefore, all must change for the violence to stop.

Fact: Only the perpetrator has the ability to stop the violence. Abuse is a behavioural choice. Changes in family members' behaviour will not cause or influence the abuser to be non-violent.

Myth: Only children directly experiencing violence are harmed by growing up in an abusive household.

Fact: Children regardless of whether they have experienced abuse directly, are affected by violence in the home. Children who witness or fear abuse display the same emotional responses as children who have been physically and emotionally abused.

Myth: Victims provoke their abusers or 'know the buttons to push'.

Fact: Abusers become violent for internal reasons which are not due to any particular action the victim takes or has taken. Abusers choose to behave in this way.

Myth: Once an abuser always an abuser.

Fact: " Abusive behaviour " is learned behaviour that can be unlearned. However behavioural changes require intervention - it is unlikely an abuser can change by sheer willpower.

Myth: Isn't domestic violence just all about hitting? Surely emotional abuse isn't that bad.

Fact: People who have been abused in several ways often say that it was the emotional abuse that had an effect on them. Being constantly undermined, criticized and humiliated can turn a confident person into someone who is nervous and anxious.

Myth: Abused women can always just leave.

Fact: There are many factors restraining women from leaving violent relationships these include: Economic dependence, staying because of the children, fear of reprisals, lack of knowledge and access to help, social isolation, emotional dependence, and shame.

If you suspect a person you care about is being abused, you can help. Although all cases are different your offer of help could make the difference to someone living in an abusive situation.

What Can I Do Now:

Talk to someone you know and trust, or use the helplines and contact numbers on this website.

1. Make a plan in case you need to leave or get help quickly:
2. find somewhere you can use a phone
3. carry a list of numbers for an emergency
4. agree a code or signal as a call for help from someone you trust
5. save some money for fares and emergencies
6. keep an extra set of keys for home and car
7. take important legal and financial papers, and your bank cards with you
8. leave while the abuser is not around and tell a friend or someone you trust
   

As a friend, family member or neighbour, how can you lend support?

1. take it seriously, voice your concerns
2. offer reassurance and be a good listener
3. don't make assumptions or judgements
4. allow the person to decide what happens next
5. offer practical help, using this website.
   

Finding Professional Help & Advice

1. Contact a Solicitor if you are being, or have been assaulted or threatened. Your local Citizens Advice Bureau, listed in the telephone book or can help you find a solicitor.
2. Call the Police. They will respond, investigate and assist you. For emergencies ring 999, for non-emergencies and advice ring Broken Rainbow on 020 8539 9507.
3. Consult your Doctor or Health Visitor. If you have received any physical injury, make sure you get treatment from your doctor or local hospital and ask for a record to be made. They may be able to refer you to a counsellor.
4. Ask your local housing authority or local refuge to help you to find temporary accommodation. For women , contact your local council or the Women's Aid Helpline.