25 Jun 05 Is a relationship with someone who is older or younger than you a good idea?

Some of us grew up with the myth of the dirty old man, leering at the pretty young guys and trying to lure them into sexual situations. The older guy is a sleazy perpetrator and the young guy is his handsome victim.

Yes, gay magazines – including this one – are full of handsome young men. Gay culture is just like the rest of our society: we find youth attractive. In interpersonal relationships, though, there are other categories of hot out there besides young-and-beautiful, and most gay men who have been out for more than a few months have run across couples where there is some difference in the partners’ ages. What gives? Is the older guy really “preying” on the younger guy?

The image of the pathetic old guy preying on the young is mostly a homophobic fantasy. It’s based on the idea that being gay is solely about sex –when youth leaves us, gay men have nothing left to offer one another. This says more about how homophobes view sex and aging than it does about our lives as gay men.

Rex is a 50-something professional guy I spoke with recently at a gay men’s group. We talked about dating. “After I became single,” he told me, “I was bowled over to find these younger men approaching me. I mean, guys 20 years younger than me!” Rex had assumed that he’d hold little interest for men in their 20s and 30s. Turns out he was wrong. Plenty of men of all ages are interested in a professional guy who has accomplished things with his life and who takes good care of himself.

Some men just don’t pay much attention to a guy’s age. It’s the individual guy who attracts them, not the age he is. But many younger men aggressively look for guys who are older than they are.

Older men can offer younger men their greater life experience. They’ve been to more places and are often more comfortable dealing with the challenges of life because, well, they’ve faced them before. They have often dealt with the insecurities and self-doubts that we all struggle with as part of life’s journey. And thanks to gym culture in today’s gay community, there are a greater number of older men around who have taken good care of themselves physically. Being reasonably in-shape makes it much more likely that people will find you erotically appealing, whatever your age.

“I’ve always been interested in older men,” says 28-year-old Jorge. “Older men know more about the world than most of the boys my age. They’ve been places and done things. They’ve had interesting lives.” He paused. “And…. they know more about sex, usually.”

Being a few years older can be an advantage if you’ve spent your time developing some skill in the sack. “Older guys often approach sex in a different way,” says Jorge. It’s not just about getting off.” His current lover is a great kisser, he says. “It’s lovemaking, not just fucking.”

Are younger guys seeking older partners looking for daddy? Generally not, although daddy/son fantasies aren’t unusual, either. The dream of the sexy older guy who is a sort of protector or who is both tender and forceful with his hot younger lover isn’t so out of the ordinary. The take-charge quality we associate with daddies can be pretty damn sexy.

Younger men have much to offer older guys, too. They often have a lot of energy, and they are often more hip to what’s going on in the culture. Men of different ages offer one another a fresh perspective. And yes, there’s the appeal of the sexy young guy’s freshness and horniness.

What are the drawbacks of being in a relationship with someone older or younger than you are? Some men find their friends aren’t as supportive as they would like; they feel stereotyped. “That stopped when my friends learned I wouldn’t put up with their remarks,” says Jorge. Rex was afraid people would label him a “chicken hawk” if he went out with younger guys. “That didn’t happen, he said, “probably because I made it clear I’m proud of any guy I go out with.”

Sex drives change as we get older. Younger men usually have more libido than older men (although there is a lot of variability from person to person, of course). If you’re a young guy with a very high sex drive, don’t be surprised when your older lover can’t match you orgasm for orgasm. And if you’re the older guy with a younger boyfriend, don’t hold yourself to some standard of studliness that requires sex at all times of the day and night. Of course, the mature man who has always had a very high drive may find that he is better suited to younger partners. Remember Rex? He’s always been an orgasm-or-two-a-day guy. He has no problem keeping up with younger lovers. And younger guys with a bit lower sex drive may appreciate an approach that puts quality ahead of quantity.

Is a relationship with someone who is older or younger than you a good idea? Attraction between two people is always a mix of being similar in some ways and different in others. Take a look at your motivations. If you’re a younger guy hoping to find an older Mr. Right who will take care of you and smooth out all of life’s bumps, you’re living in a fantasy world. If you’re an older guy who can’t find guys your own age attractive, you may just fear your own aging. You’re not going to make yourself happy by trying to live vicariously through younger guys. That’s not being a daddy – that’s being a vampire.